The attention I longed for

attend the church, happy and confident, I began to see changes, lost in the world,

‘Although I was very young, I always felt empty. I didn’t believe in myself and so I was full of complexes, I had no identity, and felt lost in the world. I also had a lot of nightmares where people used to hurt me.

Things became worse when my dad started working outside the country. My mum began to drink a lot and I didn’t feel that my home was a safe place where I could find the care I needed. This made me become very needy.

I would do absolutely anything to get the attention that I wanted. At school, I would join the crowd and do whatever was necessary to feel accepted. I wanted everyone’s eyes to be on me, so much so that I would leave the house in normal clothes and  change at school into very short skirts and short tops that showed cleavage.

At school, all my friends would have boyfriends but no one would like me and so the feeling that I wasn’t good or pretty enough became stronger inside me. As I wasn’t getting the attention I wanted, I decided to go online. I created different profiles on different social media platforms and I presented myself as someone strong, happy and confident.

However, that didn’t seem to fulfil me either and so I began to spend hours on the computer playing games or staying up all night watching TV because I didn’t want to sleep. If I slept, I would have nightmares and I didn’t want to experience that.

At home, no one knew what I was going through. My problems seemed to be becoming worse, whilst happiness and peace seemed impossible to find. During this time, my mum was attending the Universal Church and I began to see changes in her that caught my attention. Consequently, I started to attend the church with her.

Although it was hard, I made the decision to let go of the lies, games, negative friends, the wrong behaviours I had at school and the boy that I liked and used to date online at the time. During this time, a lot of doubts came to my mind, such as, “What’s the point? Is it really worth it? It’s better to just leave…” However, on the other hand, I knew I could not give up because God would not give up on me. Despite all those feelings and doubts, I felt certain that God was going to transform me. I held on to that certainty with all my strength.

I can say today that this transformation truly happened. Everything has changed in me from the inside out. I have peace, I sleep well, I look at myself in the mirror and I love myself, I am fulfilled, and I found the attention I longed for. As a result of the internal change, I am no longer afraid of challenges but I face them with the confidence that I will overcome them. Today, I am truly happy and free! Now, instead of depending on people, I can help those who are suffering as I once was.’

Teresa Malecama