“The small Portuguese village where she grew up knew all about her father’s alcoholism and made it a point
to show their disapproval. There was nothing she wanted more than to get away from the criticism and snide comments that chipped away at her confidence daily. But no matter where she went, that feeling of rejection followed her like a bad smell.
How did she overcome this traumatic past? Here she tells her story.
“I felt as though my family was the most rejected in a village in Ribeira Brava, Portugal, where we lived.
“My dad’s alcoholism was so bad that one day, when I was coming back from school, the bus had to stop because he was lying in the middle of the road drunk.
“As a consequence, people often looked down at us as we passed. Even our relatives avoided inviting us to family functions and gatherings, fearing that my dad would drink and cause a scene. We were known as the family of the alcoholic, and this deeply impacted my self-confidence.
“I felt embarrassed when he drunk, as I knew that he wasn’t himself. Although he was never violent towards me, his habit distanced us, preventing us from having a normal father-daughter relationship.” “This was one of the main reasons why I developed a negative mindset. I always felt as though something bad was going to happen.
“In my teens, I got the opportunity to study in London. I was very excited—no one knew me or my family so, I saw it as a fresh start. I hoped to be accepted and wanted but this wasn’t the case.
“I was shy and at the time, didn’t speak English very well, which made me a target for bullies. Some colleagues would laugh at me during class and leave me out. This triggered all those negative feelings from my childhood. I felt despised and this time it was not happening because of my family so I began to believe that the problem was me.
“I felt like an outsider, sad and lonely, as I struggled to make friends due to the
“language barrier. I had a major inferiority complex where I thought that everyone was better than me and could achieve things while I couldn’t.
“Years later my cousin, who was attending the Universal Church, invited me to accompany her. She had changed so much—she was now more confident and head strong. A real go-getter! — since joining the church that I couldn’t say no. I had to see for myself what impacted her like that. Maybe the same could happen to me, I thought.
“After the service, for the first time, I felt a strong sense of hope that my life could transform. This sense of well-being drew me to keep attending the church but it took a while for me to experience real lasting change, mainly because I was very closed off. It was challenging to really open up. I felt too shy to pray, I didn’t trust God to tell Him my struggles so, I remained this way for over a year.
“What pushed me to act was yet another rejection but this time, in my love life. I met someone and things looked promising. Everything was going well but a couple of months into the relationship he ended everything without any explanation. I felt worthless and kept asking myself what was wrong with me.
“I remember once being on the tube on the way home and being bombarded with thoughts egging me to jump onto the tracks and end my suffering once and for all. I bottled up all these negative feelings that at times, I felt as though I would explode. When I was alone, I would burst into tears overwhelmed with sadness.
“I felt stuck in a cycle of disappointments and rejection. I found it hard to trust people, but as I was already attending the Universal Church, service after service there was always a word of faith to encourage me. No one knew but the words I received gave me a boost to carry on. Gradually, I learned to trust God. I spoke to Him about my thoughts, doubts and negative feelings, and as I did it, the walls I’d built inside slowly started coming down. The darkness I felt within started dissipating.
“It was as if God was removing from me everything I didn’t need (the loneliness, low self-esteem, inferiority complex, etc.), and providing me with what I needed, which was peace. The peace I felt was unbelievable! I understood that I am loved and valuable to God and this is enough for me, regardless of what others think or say. The confidence I have comes from within.
“Today I can say I’m a completely different Patricia. While before I was shy and couldn’t see myself as someone capable of achieving good things, now I’m confident and not afraid of fighting for my goals because I know that with God, I can conquer anything. And I’m sure that the same peace that He gave me, He also wants to give to anyone who may be suffering as I once was. You just need to say ‘Yes’ to Him!”
Patricia Pestana
